A little extract from "The Passing of the wind"

This is sad..., extracted from "The Passing of the wind"


"There's always a time in life when your life is perfect. And though you know there's no such thing as perfect, it feels perfect. Its then when you start to enjoy life, to thoroughly live each day to your fullest because you are just so happy. During this time, you believe so much in yourself and in God that it just seems like you can do anything. It's like you're suddenly a mini-god yourself, because no matter how much you think, "oh what if i fail?", you still end up succeeding. You love yourself. Not in a sense of pride and arrogance, but more of a sense you appreciate yourself. You are amazed at what you can do and how life is so, so beautiful.

Then there's always a break, where you don't do much stuff to succeed. You're still happy, overjoyed. But it's a break, so you don't actually do anything that pumps yourself up, or make your "perfect" life any better.

But all breaks come to an end. And somehow, sometimes, in some weird way, the break ends, with a tragedy, or you lose something so special, making you hate the whole situation so much. This tragedy just pins your hear, knifes your heart, straight in. And all you can do is to try to bring back what you've lost. But in the end when you lose that special thing, you're just so tired of life. But because the years of confidence and pride in your heart tells you to move on, you do. You continue with a new part of your life, and put the relaxation away, put the heartache away, to face a new term of life, where you can do all the stuff that made people admire you so much, do the stuff that made people adore you, and made people to a certain extent, jealous of you. Yeah, you wanna repeat all those again.

Yet, when you resume your daily affairs, and start to realise, you're not perfect anymore. You start to wonder and your mind starts to drift. You start to think, "is this it? Will this be finally the first failure in my life?" And so knowing things aren't going smoothly, you push just soo soo hard to make everything perfect again. And you do succeed! your glory days are back again! BUT, this time the glory with so much struggle and so much pain, that a tinch of your gold trophy is tarnished with a scratch.

Then slowly, you start to lose it all. Somehow, you just got tired of succeeding, and you can't go on anymore no matter what you try. It's like your brain just stopped, its like your heart stopped beating. At this point you're just telling yourself, "I'm fine. I'm still the same, me. the perfect me." Alas, when you finally fail at something so big, reality slams you in the face, and you realise, you've lost it. EVERYTHING. you just threw it out of the window, all the success, all the triumphs, you threw all of it away, cause you were so satisfied, so unaware of how life can change.

And then when you stand admist all the failures, and you start to wonder what happened to me, you start to try again, to try and get back on your feet, to try and be a better person. But somehow its not as easy anymore because you've been at the highest point in your life and whenever you can't reach that again, you just feel so so dissappointed in yourself. And as you slowly climb back and as you slowly succeed bit by bit, somehow, the feeling of satisfaction is yet to be there.

And yet again, disappointment creaps in. You get angry with yourself. You try to motivate yourself by remembering all those failures. And as you try just so hard to improve all aspects of your life, the desperation and the anger turns to hate. And this hate is the most cruel feeling on the earth. Because, this hate is self-hate. When you hate yourself, you don't feel loved anymore. when you hate yourself, you start to lose yourself, and you become a different person altogether. A person with no feelings. A person that's just a black and white picture. And when you turn back the pages of your life, you just realise what a huge hole you've jumped into. At this point, this is when your heart truly stops beating.

And then you start to think everyone hates you. You start to lock yourself up.

Lying down everynight, you start to say, "I hope tomorrow will be better....Nah, who I am kidding? There is no better tomorow."

And right there when you say that line, you know you've lost the most important thing you need in life- SELF BELIEF"